Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
