And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
vagina is talking i cant
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
