everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
areolas are like halos for boobs.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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