im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
