shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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