I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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