I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
