Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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