I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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