This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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