I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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