so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
