You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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