I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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