I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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