I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
