Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
