Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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