I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
