I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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