Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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