Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
