The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
