I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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