So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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