my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
