You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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