I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
