I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I will be naked everywhere
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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