Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
