i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.