You're a womanizer and a bitch.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
