I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
