wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
