i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
