if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
