Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
