When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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