so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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