as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We need to get me chipped asap
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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