shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
