I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
