He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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