I think im going to throw up on grandma
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
