you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
