You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
