I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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