So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
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Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.