census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
cat food counts as protein by the way
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality