Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
