fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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