Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
