Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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