Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
dude. I can hear the air.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
