i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
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Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
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I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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