end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
