And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
